Cracked Out
by JakeMuller
Summary: A series of short crack-fics, centered around Jake, Piers, Chris, and Leon. Slightly yaoi Jake/Piers & Chris/Leon
1. At The Zoo

"No, no, no. I'm tellin' ya, it won't bite, Chris."

Chris looked warily at the lizard watching him innocently from the cage, and then the brunette took a deep breath, seemingly preparing himself mentally. "Alright...here goes." He cautiously reached his hand down into the tank, palms sweaty from nervousness. Just as his fingers were infront of the lizard, Chris gently nudged the reptile and- "**FUCK**! Jesus ever-loving Christ that little shit bit me!"

Jake sniggered and discreetly took the $5 from a disgruntled-looking Leon.

"Told ya it would bite 'em."

"This is why I don't take you two to zoos," Leon hissed to him as Chris hopped around, sucking on his finger with tears in his eyes.


	2. Of Pastries and Allergies

Leon looked down at the pastry before him and then back at Jake, who nodded his approval.

"And...how do you know that Chris likes raspberries, exactly?" Leon asked, skeptical of the redhead, but still wanting to at least try doing something sweet for his boyfriend.

"Kennedy, that lump is always blubbering on about something; one day it happened to be how much he loves raspberries. Just give 'em the damn thing."

Leon watched with narrowed eyes as Jake crossed back over to his shared table wiht Piers. The blonde jumped, startled, when Chris returned and plopped himself back down at the table, and Leon glanced again at Jake, who gave him an encouraging thumbs-up.

"I...uh...got you this."

"Ooh! Looks yummy! Gimme, gimme!" Chris demanded, making grabby hands, so Leon slid the plate over to him and Chris immediately began digging in. But then the brunette suddenly stopped, mid-chew, and rose slowly from his seat. Spinning on his heels, he rushed back to the bathroom and slammed the door shut. Leon sat there, bewildered, when laughter snapped him back to reality. He stood so quickly his chair tipped over, and stomped over to Jake's table, slamming his hands down on the surface. "What. The. Hell?!" he barked.

Jake was too preoccupied laughing and holding his stomach, so Leon zeroed in on Piers, but the brunette only looked bashful as he slid a 10 dollar bill across the table to Jake, who used the bill to dab at his eyes.

"Jake fucking Muller what the fuck did you just make me fucking do?!"

Jake hiccuped as he tried to stifle his boisterous laughter. "I...made...you...feed your...boyfriend...the one...fruit..he's...he's...allergic to!" Jake finally stuttered out between giggles of mirth.

Leon looked shell-shocked before muttering "oh my god" and rushing to the bathroom after Chris.

"You're kind of an ass." Piers scolded, but Jake only winked at him.

"I know."


	3. The Calm Before The Storm

Leon looked severely disgruntled as Chris told him to sit down. The blonde did so, but was nervous as to what news Chris had that would require him to sit. Only God knows what the brunette fucked up this time.

"Alright, Chris. I'm sitting. Now what is it you wanted to tell me?"

Chris sat down across from the blonde, hands clasped together in his lap and eyes staring downcast at his own feet. "Leon, I..." he started, choking on his words out of what Leon assumed was terror. He chewed on his lip nervously, before slowly raising his gaze to look at Leon. "Leon...I ate all your candy."

...

...

Silence.

Chris looked terrified, slowly raising from his seat to make his getaway, but Leon's voice stopped him.

"Sit. Down."

He did.

...

More silence.

The calm before the storm.

Then, "What. Did. You. Do."

"Leon, Leon! Let's be rational. Let's think through this, okay, babe? C'mon let's be calm and..." the brunette was rambling now, anything to save his sorry ass.

Then Leon's eyes met his. All speech was lost. All he could do was stare into Leon's eyes as he read all the emotion there: hurt, sadness, betrayal, and, most prominent, anger.

Seething, burning anger.

Chris Redfield was scared.

Terrified, even.

And then, like a crack of lightning, Leon was upon him, screaming like a banshee and clawing anything that he could get his manicured nails on.

Chris had never been in more pain in his life.

He just hoped Jake remembered to feed the cats when he was dead.


	4. To Kill A Rock

The four peered into the box, 4 pairs of eyebrows furrowed together in befuddlement.

FInally, Leon spoke up. "How. I mean...how."

Jake reached in and picked up the stone, bouncing it in his palm. "Well. I guess what we have here is that...I somehow managed to kill a rock."

And sure enough, thepreviosuly vibrant stone had dulled to a gross gray overnight.

Piers wrapped his arms around Jake's waist in an act of comfort. "Don't worry, Jake. We'll get you another rock. One that you can't...kill."

Jake shrugged and tossed it, the rock hitting Chris in the forehead. "Nah. I'd prefer a dog."

The three exchanged worried looks as Jake walked out, whistling.

...

"We are not getting him a dog."

They all agreed and walked out, Chris saying a quick goodbye-prayer to the rock.


	5. Tea Party Betrayal

Leon brushed away a hot tear just as it was about to drip from his eye. He sniffled and stomped up the stairs to Jake's room. '_How?!_' he thought to himself, '_How could he do this to me?!_'

He stopped before the door to Jake's room and hissed, "They didn't invite Leon to the tea party!"

He heard Jake ask Chris if he would like some more tea as the blonde tore open the door. **"MULLER, FUCK YOUR TEA!" **he screeched as he tackled the redhead, effectively pinning him face-down to the tiny, plastic table.

Immediately, Chris jumped up and tried to pry the blonde off of Jake as Leon slammed the ginger's face repeatedly into the tiny table, cursing his existence with every profanity he could think of.

"Jesus Christ, why didn't you just invite him?!" Chris huffed as he was thrown off again by the deceptively strong Leon.

"Because- ow! He-fuck! Eats all the- god damn, leon! - croissants- **OW!**" Jake gritted out between his head being smashed into the table.


	6. Eggnog and a Grinch Thong

Holiday music filled the air, as did the scent of fresh, oven-baked gingerbread men, cinnamon, peppermint, and hot cocoa, among other wonderful Christmas time treats. The 4 roomies, minus Leon, who was in a Christmas cooking feenzy and refused to leave the kitchen, were sipping on hot cocoa while snuggling on the couch, excluding Chris, who was sitting on the end alone since Leon refused to leave the kitchen. Jake propped his feet up on the coffeetable, but was told to put them down, as it was blocking Piers' view of the TV, and we all know how much Piers loves "How The Grinch Stole Christmas." In fact, he loves it so much, Jake bought him a Grinch thong, and Piers has somehow made the Grinch look sexy.

Anyway, the two were all snuggled up and began happily making out, much to the disgust of Chris, who just tried to drink his cocoa and ignore them. They finally untwisted their tongues when Leon came in, balancing a tray full of sugar cookies and eggnog, even though we all know no body really likes egg nog. Unless you put a lot of alcohol in it. Which is what Leon did. So I guess everyone did like eggnog after all, since they drank so much of it; so much in fact, that Jake was totally off his balls wasted on eggnog, and Piers had to put him to bed early.

So now it was Piers sitting alone watching the Grinch with Leon curled up into Chris' side and being a cute innocent couple like always, but Piers wasn't fooled. He knew that those two could get dirty, because he had heard it. Just the other night in fact, the 4 had a war to see which couple could make the most noise in their seperate rooms. Jake and Piers won that round, because Piers is very much a screamer. But thinking about that night was making Piers quite flustered, so he jumped up and ran to his and Jake's room, where he would seduce his drunken boyfriend. Not that he really needed to seduce him, seeing as how Jake was already naked when he entered the room.

So Chris and Leon were left alone with a mountain of sugar cookies and unfortunately, very little eggnog, thanks to Jake. So they did what seemed very proper and necessary at that moment in time: they began to viciously make-out, because it is a secret known only to Chris that Christmas lights make Leon unbelievably horny.


	7. Teeny-Weeny Mini Wienies

Chris Redfield's jaw dropped and his mouth began to water. "_Oh, hell yes._"

Leon rolled his green eyes at him. "It's only mini-wienies, Chris."

Nontheless, the brunette was practically salivating as he moved in to ravage the tiny wieners. Plate piled high with the little links of heaven, he sat happily on the couch and began his feast. Leon couldn't help but to smile at Chris' look of pure bliss as the blonde sat down next to his partner.

"Well, if anyone had any doubts about you being gay, they should believe it now. I've never seen a man so happy to have meat in his mouth."

Chris looked up from his plate to see who had made the crude comment, but when he realized it was only Jake, he simply went back to stuffing his face.

"Seriously, Jake? You're gross," Leon scolded him, but he still found himself snickering.

Jake waved his hand dismissively. "Yeah, yeah, I know," he muttered, then narrowed his blue eyes towards Chris' plate. "Actually...those look pretty damn good. C'mon, puppy." And then the auburn-haired man left to seek out the appetizers, followed closely by Piers.

"I don't care what he says," Chris mumbled around food in his mouth. "If eating wienies is a sin, then I'm going to Hell."


End file.
